[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
normalize having existential bread
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.