*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Oh deer
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.