*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I love you…
…r dog.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym