*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Lmao
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*