@eddiepepitone: Signs that things aren't going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.
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@realHamOnWry: You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.
@Book_Krazy: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
@david8hughes: Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There's room for 2 more members Son: but there's 3 of us Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
@TheDeducers: *Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I'll have whatever is the most splattery and red