Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV