“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
mood
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.