I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
the composer
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
no their not
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.