Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
this post was so formative to me
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.