Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Meat Cute
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.