I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
#Caturday
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat