Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Selfie