Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.