@DanteEvilCat: Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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@KKAlThani: If I had a boy I'd name him "Opportunity" & whenever he knocks on the door I'll say "I bet that's opportunity knocking" & laugh with my wife
@MrNickNo: That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@thenatewolf: *Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.