Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*