Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”