Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.