Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
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waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap