[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
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My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.