Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”