Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.