Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Auto correct is my worst enema.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭