my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Hmmmmm
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator