Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
You Might Also Like
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.