Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Home #decor warning.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head