Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You Might Also Like
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?