So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐