@nicfit75: Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I've never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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@wolfpupy: i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier
@pixelatedboat: It's bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
@iamburtjarvis: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?
@NicestHippo: If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I'm a purple hippo online