no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister