Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
3% human
97% stress
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.