Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I think this cat is broken
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles