Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.