Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Carpe DM
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.