Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
#StillHurts
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I am crying
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
ugh not again
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.