@PabloGSerski: Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
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@audipenny: Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
@WhaJoTalkinBout: [taking out trash] Me: Hey, I'm Jo. I live over there Neighbor: Yes, you say that every week. M: I'm sorry, I'm high af N: You say that, too
@Gilmatic: *nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
@librarianfonz: "I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch." -- bibliophiles, to books