wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.