Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
You Might Also Like
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The old gods are rising again.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Don’t forget to tip your server
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.