Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Basketball
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE