Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.