@Cheeseboy22: Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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@UnFitz: [first date] Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a scientist. Her: Cool. What kind? Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
@thetobbie: One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming...
@FrogAvalanche: Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog. *son looks at carrot* Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them! Son: This is updoc. Mother: What's-
@withanewname: *installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*