@Cheeseboy22: Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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@Parentpains: If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.
@o__0Dev: Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I'll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I'll be giving her half of my food.