Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
scares
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I put the h in mysterious.