Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.