[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Huge, if true.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?