A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?