Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.