fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.