If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.