Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.