@fraktal8: Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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@wesleysnipes: Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.
@hardlyrelevant: (interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
@SortaBad: "wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is" *waits literally 4 seconds* "oh there look at that he said his name how convenient"
@hansabumsadaisy: #rubbishjokes What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? The slowest swimmer.