I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.