“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.