since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
*updates tinder bio*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?