@E_lok44: Feel like you're falling apart? Coming undone? Can't keep it together? You should have eaten more paste as a child.

@TheToddWilliams: [job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That’s pr--*thump*

@SamuelHLowe: She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert. I wanted ice cream.

@shutupmikeginn: Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.

@jordan_stratton: All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.