@murrman5: since you're having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
"because of nausea?"
no, because you're a gremlin
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@BeardSpice: Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
@DoubtTommy: Double cheeseburgers don't make you fat, eating them does.
@psybermonkey: Genie: You get one wish. Me: I wish I had more twitter followers. Genie: Done. *vanishes* *Checks phone* Genie is now following you.
@morninggloria: A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
@jenlaw_11: How to kiss: 1-open your mouth 2-wider 3-wider 4-unhinge jaw 5-summon the Dark Overlord
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