Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.