@shutupmikeginn: Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan
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@Ristolable: The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
@Feisty___One: I am not a ride or die chick. I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn't you like my last pic?..
@robfee: The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he's famous, then they'll be his friend.
@robdelaney: My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I'm glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.