@shutupmikeginn: Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan
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@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
@buhsbaby_baby: "MAYBE IT'S THE TRANSMISSION!“ I scream helpfully when I drive past anyone who's car is broken down on the side of the road...
@joshgondelman: I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.
@owlbacon: They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance