Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Awwwww shit.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds